SHOCKING DISCOVERY ON EASTER ISLAND
Canadians among early settlers, archaelogists reveal
New archeological research commissioned by the Heritage Canada Foundation has revealed startling evidence that challenges conventional theories regarding the origin of settlers on Easter Island and the decline of its complex society. A society that once offered universal and free access to a two year waiting period at medical clinics overwhelmed by a growing population, and tight controls on bows, arrows and axes that still failed to thwart the outbreak of violence. And where forests were denuded to serve an inflated housing market generated by greedy developers and a burgeoning population of homebuyers created by generous child benefit tax credits and immigrant recruitment.
Among the finds of the research team from Dartmouth College was a “rosetta stone” in a kind of mutated rongorongo script this is punctuated by numerous ‘eh’ s. It was crucial in helping to explain the existence of a stone foundation of what was apparently a hockey arena, together with a replica of a zamboni and pebble shaped like a puck. The foundation is carbon dated around 1600 AD, when it was believed that Canadian colonists, mainly politicians from New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island, attempted to revive a flagging economy with a rapidly declining population by trying to lure a major league hockey franchise to their Polynesia backwater.
Skeletons found near the site matched the same DNA now found in Sidney Crosby and Brad Richards, as well as New Brunswick Business Minister Greg Byrne. There were also the remains of a skeleton found buried underneath the stadium that tests show shares the same genetic markers as Jimmy Hoffa.
Thor Heyerdahl of course famously contended that the population was a composite of early colonists from the Americas, “the long ears”, and invaders from the west, “the short ears”. But now evidence suggest that those “Americans” were in fact Canadian politicians, “the no ears”, along with a dependent bureaucracy, some classical economists, hockey coaches and loggers who came to deforest the island, over-fish and over-govern as well foment interminable jurisdictional disputes between various levels of government. The discovery of the fossilized remains of a lumberjack wearing a toque, spiked boots, a plaid shirt and a hard hat imprinted with the logo of the Acadia Timber Company has lent credence to this hypothesis. It is obvious that he was a lumberjack who wasn’t alright, though he worked all day and he slept all night. Malnutrition was his apparent undoing as Alexander Keith India Pale Ale did not suffice to offset the caloric deprivation from crops that failed from the loss of soil nutrients washed away by logging.
In the wake of these revelations a more coherent narrative of the island’s demographic collapse is now emerging. The loss of timber led to a catastrophic unemployment rate in the forest sector, so 600 giant stone statues were erected facing the ocean as a public works project to beckon potential immigrants who would revitalize the economy by diminishing the per capita share of resources and per capita GDP.
A “Population Secretariat” was formed to develop an economic stimulus strategy that included an immigrant funding program and immigrant “welcoming centres” lavishly endowed with food forcibly extracted from residents struggling to survive on a subsistence diet. Starving protesters were told that they could always eat the “cultural diversity” that immigrants would bring to the island. In fact, creating more “cultural diversity” was the rationale for much of the strategy, for as Canadians the politicians didn’t believe they had a culture worthy of pride and protection.
The claim by skeptics that jobs could not be conjured up out of thin air when the island was bereft of wood, of rich soils swept away by rain falling on the newly barren landscape and accessible fish (whose absence the politicians blamed on Spanish trawlers) was dismissed as nativist pessimism by cornucopians who argued that human ingenuity would come to the rescue. They reasoned that the larger the pool of people the greater the chance that a genius would emerge with a technological breakthrough.
The result of this policy is manifest today. Except to the “no-ears” of course.