DEFINITION OF A CANADIAN NEWBORN

It has long been an annual ritual each New Years Day for local Canadian media outlets to announce the winner of the unofficial “First Baby Born in the New Year” derby. So for those of you who may be uninformed as to just what exactly a Canadian newborn is, this is my definition:

“A Canadian newborn is yet another earth-trampling shit machine off the assembly line poised to become a hyper-consumer in the madly unsustainable shopping mall culture of a country which preaches diversity but practices conformity of thought and behaviour.”

Each one of God’s miracles will come to emit about 23 metric tonnes of green house gases on average and consume about 3.7 million pounds of minerals, metals and fuels in his lifetime, assuming that this binge is not cut short by ecological or economic collapse from resource shortages.

A New Canadian, by any port of entry, is the very last thing the environment needs, nationally or globally.

Now do you understand why I was never much of a “ladies man?”