BROWN LIVING TIPS----A Million Acts of Unkindness to Save Species From Human Population Growth

According to Brishen Hoff, essentially,“Buying local means buying more environmental degradation”. This would make a good chapter in a broadside called “Bring on the Apocalypse”. Included: Gentlemen, “Idle Your Engines” and “A Neo-Malthusian Garbage Strike”. Inside this anthology must also be“Brown Living Tips—a million acts to save species from daily Human growth”. I will say that I too made a life style change. I pulled out my CFL lights, I now buy regular and not premium gasoline, I mix my garbage and I eat as much beef as I can. I also discourage tourism by being gratuitously unfriendly to outsiders and giving them bum directions. I don’t report fallen trees across the hiking trails so that they may not be quickly repaired by the Sierra Club whose trail maintenance only attracts more tourists and potential residents. If a tourist is gay I will pretend to be homophobic. If he is homophobic I will pretend to be a member of a thriving gay community. If he is Christian and wants to know if there are many welcoming churches in the area I will tell him that atheists drove them off the island and that the only meeting hall is run by humanists. If he is Jewish like one tourist I met last June and asks me if there is any anti-Semitism here I will tell him that there isn’t anymore after all the Jews left town. If he is anti-semitic I will tell him that I am president of the local 500 member chapter of B’nai Brith. If a stranger asks me where he can buy a fishing licence I will tell him that none are sold because our lakes have been fished out. The possibilities are endless. The number of Brown living tips are too many to count. But they will all serve one Higher Environmental Purpose. TO KEEP OUR NUMBERS DOWN. Each day 200 species die out because we live on---and keep growing.

Which makes me suggest yet another statement for our Biodiversity First Vision Statements. That we believe in the establishment of an Anti-Tourism Department which will discourage people from coming to Canada. Slogan “Come to Canada, Where you will either FREEZE YOUR ASS in the winter or be EATEN ALIVE by black flies in the summer.” Or “Canada, Not Where You Want to Be, Believe Me”. An aggressive marketing plan by the Ministry of Immigration to highlight all the negative facts of life about our country posted across the four corners of the earth should be started. Instead of encouraging people to come with their culture intact we will announce restrictions that would make their life here impossible. American immigration applicants would be told that they will be arrested if heard speaking without putting an “ly” after adverbs and saying “Huh” when they should say “eh”. And all would have to swear off 4-down football. The Germans won’t be welcome unless they laugh audibly at jokes none of which they seem to get. Italians will be fined for using hand gestures while talking. Poles will be told that they must keep an even keel and never go into the plumbing business. Irish newcomers will be told that no drinking is allowed on the premises. Anywhere. Australians will be informed that they are prohibited from skiing or partying. And so on. Life in a straight jacket. A prohibition customized for every group. Accompanied by films about the horrors have having children, especially by teens, who will be shown as young parents who have no life. Unwed mothers will once again be stigmatized and those who sired their children social outcasts.

At the very least we should have billboards like they did in Oregon in the early seventies. “Come to Oregon for a visit, but don’t stay”. Unfortunately the research indicates that tourists do stay. Permanently. What is called for to contain local growth is an “Unwelcome Wagon” which drives up to the motel of a prospective buyer and heaps scorn on him. Visitors will be presented upon arrival will be greeted by a booth of Visitor Disinformation. Unhelpful maps and guides will be offered to all those who are confused. Such booths should also be placed at every airport to discourage immigrants. A brochure in several languages should enumerate Canada’s shortcomings. The extreme temperature variations, the lack of professional jobs, gang violence, biodiversity loss etc. And those in the tourist service sector will be required to take courses on how to be surly. Then one fine day we will be able to call it the Inhospitable Industry . Canada’s slogan will become not “Canada, Home to the World” but “Canada, Do not Disturb”.